Post by carcinoGeneticist on Dec 11, 2010 23:00:10 GMT -5
HELLO HUMANS I AM KARKAT VANTAS AND I AM A TROLL WHO HAS BEEN ASKED BY CERTAIN OTHER PEOPLE TO MAKE FUN OF RIDICULOUSLY SHITTY HUMAN STORIES AND I GLADLY OBLIGED TO THIS REQUEST IF ONLY TO COMPLETELY RUIN SOME HUMAN'S DAY AND SO WITHOUR FURTHER ADO I BRING YOU THE SHITSTORM
SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO I PRESENT TO YOU OUR FIRST STORY
That New York Swagger, by IrkenRuler13
It was a calm afternoon in The Castle That Never Was. Now, I know what you're thinking, 'calm? How the hell could it possibly be calm in a castle full of crazy nobodies like Axel?' Well the answer is simple, Axel wasn't there. As a matter of fact, neither was Demyx, Roxas, or Xion.WOULD THIS BE MORE STUPID IF I KNEW WHO THESE PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY NO IT PROBABLY WOULDN'T 'Where were they?' you ask, well, they were sent on a mission to explore a new world that appeared. This world was incredibly large which is why four were sent on the mission instead of two. When Xemnas sent the group of four on their way, Vexen complained a great deal. He was curious as to why Xemnas would send such nimrods on such an important mission, but smirked when the superior said his true motive was just to get rid of them for a few weeks. All though their mission was important, it was quite simple. Blend in and study the world and its inhabitants. If Xemnas knew where he was sending the nobodies, maybe he would know how bad of an idea this really was.IF YOU KNEW HOW BADLY YOU WERE ABOUT TO BE MADE FUN OF MAYBE YOU WOULD KNOW HOW BAD OF AN IDEA THIS REALLY WAS
Like I was saying earlier, it was a calm afternoon in The World That Never Was. Vexen was in his lab, Marluxia was in his garden, Xigbar and Luxord were playing poker, Zexion was in the library, Lexaeus and Xaldin were in the Kitchen, Xemnas and Saix were discussing Kingdom Hearts, and Larxene was raiding the missing members' rooms for anything she might want. However, when she saw Roxas's boxers under Axel's bed, she left to go bother Marluxia instead.I HOPE THIS STORY DOESN'T DEALVE INTO A LONG TANGENT OF CREEPY HUMAN THINGS
Suddenly, all silence was gone when the group returned from their mission. The other members emerged from their previous locations to greet the arriving nobodies and ask about the newly appeared world. Once again, they didn't know how bad of an idea this was. As they walked in, the other nobodies couldn't help but gawk at them. They were clad in jeans and hoodies, except for Xion who was wearing baggy khakis that hung very low on her waist, a strapless top and a studded jacket complete with a matching hat.OF COURSE IT STARTS TOO The organization had never seen clothes quite like these. Zexion took a step closer, noticing a strange device cradled in Demyx's hand.
"Demyx," He asked, "What is that?" Demyx took a small white bud out of his ear and looked at the slate haired boy questioningly.
"Did you say something?" He asked. Zexion was confused. He spoke loud enough, there was no way Demyx' couldn't have heard him, even with ear plugs. It was then that Zexion noticed the white wire connecting the buds to the strange, blue device he had been questioning.
"Um, yeah; what is that?"
"Oh, this thing?" Demyx held up the device. "This is an iPod." The other members mumbled things like 'what's it do?' and 'what does that mean?' "Check it out. You turn it on and put the headphones on and then it plays music."
"That tiny thing can play music?" Vexen asked, suddenly intrigued.
"Yeah, and it can download music too."WHAT A STUNNING PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY EVERYONE SHOULD OWN ONE
"Xion… what are you wearing?" Larxene asked, inching closer to the small girl.
"Wutsit to ya?" She asked, chewing he bubble gum as she talked.
"What did you say?" Marluxia questioned, confused.
"I seyd, 'wutsit to ya', ya know beddah yit, why don'tcha stop questin' what you ain't undastandin'."AND THERE GOES THE GRAMMAR
"Is she confusing or what?" Marluxia mumbled to Xigbar.
"As if, finally, someone is speakin' my language!"
"Holla! Yo, Xigbar, you want to play some DDR." Xion shouted
"Totally, chika, let's go!" And with that, Xion and Xigbar ran towards the Grey Area.WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE
"Ignore her, she spent too much time in the Bronx." Roxas laughed nervously.
"Okay…. Well, let's get to business shall we. How was your stay in the new world?" Xemnas asked with a serious tone.
"It was sooooo cool!" Demyx said, excitement filling his voice. "It was called 'New York'. There were large buildings everywhere, some even bigger than our castle." The rest of the members were 'ooh-ing' and 'aah-ing' as the other members told them of this strange new world.
"There were inns there too, but they were humungous! Bigger than any inn I had ever seen!" Roxas added. "There was art too. Everywhere I turned, someone had spray-painted their name in big, confusing letters. Sometimes, there were pictures too."I LIKE THE PICTURES THE BEST BECAUSE I CAN'T READ SO WELL
"And they had the absolute weirdest food." Axel continued. "They fruits I had never even heard of, and they had weird food combinations. They combined bread, cheese, and tomato sauce to make this weird thing they called 'pizza'. It looked really weird, but it tasted amazing, the weirdest was the hot dogs."
"Yeah, they're called 'hot dogs' but they aren't even made of dog, they're made of some kind of pig." Roxas added, confusion lacing his voice.
"You would've really liked it Zexion, they have libraries so big it was impossible. Books filled every wall and empty space. Yeah, you would've loved it. Larxene probably could've fit in real well too. There were girls with the same kind of personalities as you. They were on almost every street corner asking random people if they wanted to have 'a good time'. One approached me, she was really persistent too, I guess she must've been lonely because no one wanted to play with her. Maybe I should go back and-" GODDAMNIT WHO THE FUCK WOULD EVEN WRITE THIS
"That's quite all right Demyx." Zexion interrupted, knowing exactly what Demyx was talking about. Larxene was awestruck.
"Did he just indirectly call me a prostitute?"
"Well, he isn't wrong." Marluxia mumbled and Larxene slapped him upside the head. "Ow, watch it, you'll mess up my hair!"
"Axel, what's that?" Vexen asked, intrigued by the device Axel now had in his hands.
"It's called a PlayStation Portable. Get this, a video game you can carry around with you. Isn't it genius?" Axel was really excited. SO INNOVATIVE HOLY GOG WOW
"Man, I'm hungry, let's get something to eat." Roxas suggested.
"Yeah, I'm hungry too." Demyx agreed. "We're gonna go eat something. See ya later, goons." Demyx ran off into the kitchen and the rest of the organization stood there, confused, Zexion looking where they just were.
"What the hell is a goon?"
~*~Xion: I be breakin' da page now, mcskillets. ~*~ THIS STORY IS AN EMBARRESMENT TO EVERYONE INVOLVED
Axel, Roxas, and Demyx were in The Kitchen That Never SatisfiesTHIS IS SO CLEVER getting something to eat. "Man," said Roxas, "there's no good food here. Hey Axel, you got any more of those hamburger things?"
"No, but I have this." Axel pulled out a Ziploc back with some kind of white powdery stuff in it.
"What's that?" Roxas asked, cocking his head to the side in confusion.
"It's this stuff I bought from this guy in the Village. He said it snorting it could make all my problems disappear. What did he call it? Crud… crap… oh yeah, crack!"OH BOY LET'S MAKE THIS STORY EVEN WORSE BY INVOLVING HUMAN DRUGS
"So, if we sniff this, we won't be hungry anymore?" Demyx asked.
"I guess, I don't know I haven't tried it yet."
"I think I'll pass." Roxas turned away from Axel and started searching through The Fridge That Shouldn't Exist.I THINK I'M SEEING A PATTERN HERE
"I agree with Roxas, I like eating, I don't want to get rid of my hunger." Demyx smiled lightly and began looking through The Cabinets of Foodlessness.YUP I AM STARTING TO SEE SOMETHING FORM HERE
"Suit yourselves. I mean, if I don't have to eat, I can sleep in later." Axel grabbed a straw from The Drawer With Nothing In It. (yes, they have ominous titles for everything.)OH OK THANK YOU FOR FILLING ME IN I WAS DEFINITELY CLUELESS He stuck the straw in a bag and sniffed the substance in the bag. "Oh… oh wow, you guys have to try this. It feels great."
"No thanks Ax, I think I'll just sit here, eat my turkey sandwich, and watch you overreact." Roxas said, rolling his eyes.
"No, I'm serious. This is amazing. I-I'm feeling euphoria, ecstasy, extreme pleasure.HUMANS ARE DISGUSTING CREATURES It's like all my problems are just ceasing to exist. How do I make you understand… Oh, it's like how Larxene feels when she's causing someone pain, like how Marluxia feels when he's in his garden, like how Demyx feels when he playing his sitar, or like how I feel when I see fire, only multiplied by 10!"
"Is it really that fantastic?" Demyx asked, now interested in the strange substance.
"Yes, definitely; I feel weightless, like gravity can't hold me down."
"Well I think you just totally flipped your lid." Roxas said as he left the kitchen and went to his room.
~*~Reno: This be a page break, yo~*~THEY ARE ALSO STUPID
It had been about three weeks since Axel started doing crack, and Roxas was well passed beginning to worry, he was terrified. Roxas had never seen the redhead like this. He was constantly having mood swings and throwing up. He tended to doze off during meetings and enter his own little world. He was a lot more clumsy and he was sickly thin, causing his hips to stand out more, causing Roxas to lust after him moreWHAT, causing Roxas to suffer because Axel was too busy doing crack to spend time with him. What scared Roxas the most though, was that on more than one occasion, Axel had tried to commit suicide by jumping of the roof of The Castle That Never Was. Axel tended to get incredibly depressed at times.EXCELLENT MAYBE SOMEONE WILL DIE When Axel didn't have money for crack, he either cried or stole it from someone else. Superior was getting sick of it, this Roxas knew. He knew that Xemnas wouldn't hesitate to turn Axel into a dusk if he continued to be a problem. Roxas knew he had to help the redhead… his redhead, somehow.
Axel slammed his door shut. Man, was he pissed. Marluxia had some nerve thinking he could yell at him and get away with it. The stupid 'superior' took the florist's side. Oh, how dare he. He opened his top drawer, hoping to snort all his troubles away. Axel let out a piercing scream of anger. His stash was gone. The redhead turned around, ready to leave the room and wreak havoc upon the castle's other members. However, as soon as he turned around, he was faced with the short blonde he used to call his lover. "Roxas, thank Kingdom Hearts you're here. Listen babe, someone stole my stash, think you can help me find out whom?" Axel smiled but his eyes were full of confusion and anger, his hands gripped Roxas's arms a little tighter than intended.
"I'm not giving you your crack back, Axel." Roxas said all seriousness in his voice.OH I THOUGHT HE WAS GIGGLING WHILE TRYING TO SAY IT THANK YOU FOR CLARIFYING FOR ME
"Wait… you took it? Babe, why would you do that?"
"I don't want you using it anymore Axel, it's hurting you, can't you see?"
"Roxy, babe, it's making me happy. Honestly, I've never been happier." Once again, Axel's eyes said something different.
"No, you're not happy Axel, I can tell. You made Larxene cry, Axel, Larxene! You've changed."
"Roxas, give it back. You love me right?" Axel's eyes were getting darker.
"Of course I do, but that's why I'm not letting you continue with this. I'll always love you no matter what, but for these past few weeks you haven't loved me. All you love is that stupid cra-"
"Shut the fuck up!" Axel shouted, kicking Roxas hard in the stomach and throwing him onto the floor.FINALLY SOMETHING INTERESTING IS HAPPENING Axel glared down at him with dark, angry, hating eyes, and Roxas gazed into his with sad blue ones. Roxas coughed up blood. He was hurt, physically and emotionally… and it was Axel's fault. T-this… this is my fault. Axel thought to himself. I-I h-hurt… I hurt Roxas. I abused him. Axel sunk down to his knees and began to cry.NO NEVERMIND NOW IT'S TIME FOR UGLY EMOTIONS TO BE INVOLVED IN THIS
"Axel… Axel don't cry."
"Stop, Roxas. Stop worrying about me… stop loving me, I don't deserve it!"
"Shut up, don't say that! Don't ever say that! You are the only person worth it Axel."
"B-But I hurt… I hurt you, Roxas. I abused you. I've done nothing but cause you pain for these past few weeks, but this is just the icing on the cake isn't it. How could you love someone who would do that to you?"
"Because that wasn't you, Axel, it was the drugs. I love you, this you, the you that's in front of me right now, the you that cares so much about me."
"I'm gonna quit, Roxas. I promise I'm gonna quit." Axel choked on a few sobs as Roxas wrapped his arms around him to comfort his crying lover.
~*~Reno: This be a page break, yo~*~
For the rest of the month, Roxas did nothing but stand by Axel's side. That's all the motivation the redhead needed to quit. The blonde couldn't believe this all started because of a simple mission to a new world. Currently, the organization members were in The Room Where Nothing GathersYEAH I THINK THERE IS DEFINITELY A PATTERN HERE waiting for Xemnas to give them the big news. The superior appeared at the same time as Saix… no surprise there. "Welcome, members of our fine organization. A new world has appeared, this time, Saix has done some research. This world is called Las Vegas. The members responsible for this mission are Luxord, Xigbar, Demyx, and Axel."
"God DAMMIT!"
SO IN SUMMATION I WISH I COULD CLAW MY EYES OUT BECAUSE THIS WAS BATSHIT STUPID AND IF IT CAN GET WORSE THAN THIS THAN I DON'T WANT TO READ ANYMORE
AND YET I HAVE TO SO FOR FURTHER HUMILIATION HERE IS POTATO CHIPS
Potato Chips, by XxPyro SomniacxX
Everyone in the organization made their way to their seats in the small meeting room, Xemnas taking the highest throne and the rest in their usual order.THIS WAS SUCH AN EXCITING BEGINNING I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE
Everyone was talking and minding their own business until their superior raised his hand signaling for them to quiet down.
"Now that we're all settled I'd like to talk about our main priority, Sor-" he stopped when he heard a loud CRUNCH sound. His eye twitched when it happened again but composed himself and continued.
"Our main priority Sora. The young and promising key bearer-" once again the sound returned but even louder and quicker; his hands clenched into fists as he scanned the room for the annoying noise until his eyes set on a mullet headed man.
He chewed on his potato chips happily, not really paying attention to his fellow nobodies' stares. Xemnas cleared his throat trying to stay calm "number 9, what did I tell you about eating in the meeting room?" he asked still glaring with those scary amber eyes of his.YES AMBER SURE IS A SCARY COLOR
Demyx stopped chewing when he heard his number being called out and looked up at his superiors "uhm, not to. . ?" he said sheepishly, a small blush appeared on his cheeks while he clutched the small potato chip bag.
Xemnas nodded still looking "and do you know why there is no eating in the meeting room?" he asked in a calm but I-will-kill-you-and-no-one-would-care tone.
Demyx shrunk in his seat making crumbs roll off his cloak "b-because it attracts roaches. . ?" he tried, he really did, but he just couldn't remember why there was no eating in the small room.
Xemnas's stare thickened as he shook his head "no, it is because I detest that crunching noise while I'm talking! It is annoying and distracting!" (GASP Xemnas has OCD?)GASP AUTHOR COMMENTS IN A STORY he said banging his fist on his arm rest making Demyx flinch slightly "o-oh. . ." he said quietly as he looked down at the chip between his fingers.
Xemnas sighed heavily and rubbed his temples before resting his arm on the arm rest again "as I was saying, Sora is beginning to become stronger and therefore more useful to our missio-" his eye twitched once again when he heard a long and louder crunch from before.
He shot a glare toward the potato chip eating man "NUMBER 9!" he shouted making Demyx practically jump out of his seat, he clutched the back tighter from the sudden shout.
"So help me if you eat one more chip I will personally make Saix turn you into a Dusk! Is. That. Clear?" he said still glaring at the smaller man to the side of him.
Demyx's eyes widened "I'm sorry! They're so darn good and-" he stopped when the bag went up in flames until it turned into a pile of burning ash on his lap "and now they're barbecued, got it memorized?" Axel said tapping his head with a wide grin on his face.
Demyx quickly brushed it off his lap before it could burn the material and sighed in sadness as he looked up to his boss "they're gone. . ." he said sadly with big watery eyes.I AM SO SAD NOW OH THOSE POOR DISGUSTING SALTY THINGS
Xemnas sighed heavily again ignoring the depressing face he had just made and continued yet again "as I was SAYING, if Sora continues to kill heartless we will have our Kingdom Hear-" both his eyes twitched when he heard a portal open and close and a horrifying CRUNCH.
Roxas, clearly late, bit into another chip but stopped when everyone stared at him with panicked expressions ". . . what?" he asked finishing the chip in his hand; Saix rested his head on his hand and shook his head gently "oh dear lord. . ."
I STAND CORRECTED AS THIS WAS IN FACT WORSE THAN THE LAST STORY AND I HOPE TO GOD THAT THIS ONE DOES NOT SUCK AS BAD BUT KNOWING MY LUCK IT WILL
AND SO FINALLY I PRESENT THIS STEAMING PILE OF SHIT
Buffalo Wings and Barking Catfish, by Asuka Neko
There was a high likelihood that someone was going to be attacked with lightsabers, shot, stabbed, poisoned, smashed, hit by a dictionary, bitten, burned, drowned, beaten in poker, strangled by flowers, electrocuted, or knocked out with a giant key.DOES THIS MEAN SOMEONE IS GOING TO DIE Or all of the above. Said person would receive said consequences because someone decided that Santa should replace his elves with the members of Organization XIII. Someone (possibly the same someone) had also decided that the reindeer should be replaced with buffalos. Really, who ever heard of flying reindeer? Buffalos can fly. Why else would there be buffalo wings?
But that was another issue.THEN WHY IS IT IN THE STORY
Demyx liked this idea at first, mostly because working for Santa meant he could get presents. He just had to convince this guy that just because he worked for a possibly evil (but mostly just vague and confusing) organization, he was not necessarily evil himself. Nor was he vague and confusing, he was simply cute. And liked goldfish.I DON'T SEE HOW THIS IS RELEVANT However, once Demyx figured out that he had to actually work, he did not appreciate the idea any longer.
No one was exactly sure why Xemnas went along with this whole thing. There were rumors going around the organization that he would be replacing Mrs. Claus and the elves would be switched for fire-breathing unicorn kittens if he didn'tWHAT THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. But it was more likely that he just lost a bet. Saïx said that it was because Xemnas wanted to get the organization off of the naughty list, because technically, although they were vague and confusing, they were still villains.
No one believed him. They were not scary enough to be villains (well, Lexaeus was, but he didn't have much part in the argument because he never spoke, anyways). They thought about hanging Roxas on the ceiling as a surveillance device to find out the real reason. Unfortunately, Xigbar used all of the duct tape in a failed attempt to shut Demyx up (failed because even though Xigbar and Xaldin cocooned him in duct tape and hung him from the ceiling, he just looked so pitiful that Lexaeus let him down)IS THERE AN ACTUAL PLOT TO THIS OR WHAT and Vexen lost his genetically engineered spider that would give one the power to stick to walls just like Spiderman.SO NO THERE ISN'T
He wasn't sure exactly where that spider went.
So the organization was sitting in Santa's workshop, surrounded by snow and sparkles and tinsel and lights and cheery Christmas music, wearing their black cloaks, holding weapons, and altogether clashing with the scenery. The elf training them approached, making little clucking noises under her breath. She was dressed entirely in red and had a mound of curly blonde hair pouring out from underneath a hat with a giant jingle bell on the end. A star-shaped name tag reading "Twinkle" was on the front of her shirt.OH SO THE PLOT IS THAT THEY ARE WORKING FOR THE QUEERIST SHOP EVER
"Tsk, tsk… this won't do…" she said, surveying their clothing choices.
A moment later, the entire organization was dressed in red and green with plenty of jingle bells, sparkles, and ribbons. None of them, not even Demyx, seemed pleased with this. Demyx wasn't happy because Twinkle made fun of his Finding Nemo boxers. Seriously, the girl's name was Twinkle, for goodness sake! She had no right to make fun of anyone else.AND THIS STORY HAS NO RIGHT TO EXIST Especially not someone else's clothes, because she had a jingle bell on the end of her hat that was almost as big as her head.
Xigbar looked like he was going to shoot someone.I HOPE THIS IS FOREBODING
Roxas was hiding behind Axel, because he was the one who usually got shot at whenever Xigbar was angry and Demyx wasn't around. Demyx, in fact, was still hiding in shame because of his boxers. Larxene was also nowhere to be found, demanding that she had to change in a different room or she would disembowel them all.I REALLY HOPE THESE AREN'T THREATS THAT AREN'T GOING TO BE ACTED UPON
Axel, at first, was excited this because he was going to get to go around to a bunch of different houses and hopefully a percentage of them would belong to cute girls. But now he did not want to be seen by cute girls because he was wearing tights. TIGHTS! He would have burned them if not for the fact that he had bright red leg hair was more embarrassing than wearing tights.AND SO I AM DISTURBED ONCE AGAIN At least he wasn't Saïx, who had blue hair. Axel laughed to himself. That guy would never get a date.
"All right!" Twinkle said, getting everyone's attention at once. "You all need to get on the sleigh! Santa has a cold this year, and so it's up to you to get presents to everyone in the world. Hop to it!" She hopped to simulate the behavior.
"I'm not hopping," Zexion growled, getting in the sleigh like a normal person would. No one really knew anything about driving a sleigh pulled by a team of flying buffalo. Lexaeus was nominated to drive because he was nearly as large as a buffalo. Xemnas nominated himself to sit in the front seat, and ordered Saïx, Xigbar, Xaldin, and Vexen to sit with him. This meant that Zexion, Roxas, Demyx, Marluxia, Larxene, and Axel were crammed together in the smaller back seat. Demyx didn't seem to mind this, because he had no personal space bubble.THESE WAS POSSIBLY THE LEAST STUPID PARAGRAPH SO FAR
Marluxia, however, was complaining that his hair was going to be messed up. "Who cares, Marly? It's Christmas!" Demyx squealed.
"You wouldn't understand," Marluxia wailed. "You don't have good hair at all, just that stupid haircut that might be a mullet or a mohawk or both!"
Demyx gasped. "How could you say that!" he shouted with mock horror.THIS MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM IN ANGUISH
"Shut up, kiddo," Xigbar growled, shoving his palm over Demyx's face and pushing him further back. Lexaeus cracked the whip and the sudden surge forward broke off all arguments.
As they flew over the town, Demyx and Roxas leaned over the side of the sleigh, looking at the sparkling lights below them in awe. Axel was cold despite that amount of people sitting around him and he was complaining about the cold and how tights were not warm at all. Larxene responded by shocking him. "Warmer?" she asked, her voice filled with mock sweetness. Marluxia sniggered and was therefore electrocuted also.THIS IS NOT KILLING AND IT WILL PROBABLY BE THE CLOSET THING WE GET UNFORTUNATELY
Lexaeus landed on the rooftop of a house and the Organization piled out of the sleigh. A somewhat frazzled-looking Roxas squeezed himself out from between Demyx and Marluxia, who had argued about hair products for the entire trip. Axel examined the chimney, looking a little doubtful. "So, who wants to go down that thing?"
Marluxia glanced at Larxene. "Ladies first."
"All right, go ahead then," she shot back, and Marluxia whipped out his scythe.OH BOY FINALLY SOMETHING INTERESTING
"You little…" he began, and Xemnas grabbed the end of the scythe.GOG DAMNIT
"No. Demyx is going down there," he said. Demyx jolted with surprise.
"M-me?"
"You're the nicest one of us, kiddo," Xigbar said, clapping the boy on the shoulder. Demyx stumbled forward, and then regained his balance. He shrugged lanky shoulders and approached the chimney, swinging his tight-clad legs over the side of it. Saïx skimmed over a long list and found the house, then tossed Demyx a small box wrapped in white paper with a red bow. The blonde caught it and then slipped down the sooty chimney. Demyx landed in a pile of ash at the bottom and also banged the back of his head on the wall inside of the fireplace. His rear end also landed nicely on the grate, bruising his tailbone.THERE NEEDS TO BE MORE PAIN IN THIS STORY
"Ouch," he muttered, and then coughed, sending a cloud of soot into the air. He stood and hit his head on the ledge overhanging the fireplace in the process. "I think I've got a concussion,"EXCELLENT he said after he finally stood, covered in soot and aching from head to toe. He was beginning to seriously hope he didn't have to do this more than once.
When Demyx finally managed to get his bearings, he found himself standing in the center of a room filled with cheery Christmas decorations. He glanced down at the present in his hand and was glad to find that it had miraculously remained clean. Then he looked back up and jumped in surprised. There was a fish tank across from him and the fish was growling. It was about three feet long, was a catfish, and it was growling at him.THIS THING TOOK AN ACROBATIC PIROUETTE TO INSANITY
Demyx was, needless to say, scared. He was easily scared, but now he was also a little confused. Demyx usually liked fish. In fact, some of his best friends were fish! "Uh… uh… shh!" he said, hoping that the growling wouldn't wake anyone. Well, if his falling down the chimney didn't wake anyone, the fish certainly wouldn't. "Nice fishy…"
There was a clicking sound much like the loading of a shotgun and Demyx turned around to realize that the noise was a loading shotgun. A gun which happened to belong to a teenage girl with curly, coral-colored hair and sea-green eyes. "Who are you and what are you doing here?" she asked.PLEASE SHOOT HIM NOW
Demyx made a noise which sounded like a cat being run over by a fat guy eating a taco.WHAT "I'm…uh… I'm Demyx!" he squealed, wondering why in all Kingdom Hearts he sounded like Marluxia singing in falsetto. "I mean… I'm an elf!"
"I thought elves were supposed to be short," the girl said, lowering the shotgun a littleFUCKING STORY. Demyx appreciated this action.
"Well, I'm actually substituting for an elf because… well, because my Superior told me to," he said. The girl looked him over and realized that he was covered in soot.
"I knew we should have gotten our chimney cleaned," she muttered. "Wait right here!" She went back into the kitchen and came out holding a wet rag instead of a gun. "Sorry about that," she said as she wiped off his face. The fish was growling more loudly now.I AM GOING TO STAB SOMETHING SO HARD AFTER THIS
Demyx felt his face light up like a Christmas tree, and he ran his fingers though his spiky blonde hair. "This is for you," he said, placing the little box in her hands, "from Santa."
She opened the lid of the box, revealing a gold, seashell-shaped necklace and she smiled. "I've wanted something like this for a long time," she said, and then fastened the clasp around the back of her neck. "How does it look?" she asked.
Demyx smiled, deciding that this wasn't so bad after all. "It looks really pretty," he said.AND NOW EMOTIONS THIS IS A TRIPLE TRIFECTA OF SHIT
"I'm Corel, by the way," she introduced herself.
"I'm Demyx."
"So you said," she chuckled. "Will you be here next year, Demyx?"
He laughed nervously. "I can if you want me to."EUGH
"Use the door next time," Corel said, and then stood on her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek. Then she turned and ran up the stairs, vanishing from sight. Demyx stood there for a moment, stunned. The fish barked at him a few times.END THE DAMN STORY NOW PLEASE GOG
"I'm going, I'm going!" he said, climbing back into the chimney and ignoring the fact that the fish was now barking at him. Zexion was peering over the edge of the chimney.
"Oh, there you are. We were about to send Roxas down after you," he said. A rope fell down the chimney and Demyx clambered up. He reached the top and found that Marluxia was in a state of distress because one of the buffalos had tried to eat his hair.
"Are you alright, kiddo?" Xigbar asked.HE HAS A CONCUSSION AND I'D BE VERY GRATEFUL IF YOU PUT HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY AND GIVE THIS STORY A HAPPY ENDING
"I may have been concussed, but I'm fine," Demyx said.
"As if!" Xigbar cackled. "You look like you were attacked by a fish!"
"I was," Demyx replied. "And then a cute girl attacked me too…"
"WHAT!" Axel shouted. "I said I get all the houses with cute girls! Got it memorized!"
"Sure, sure," Demyx groaned, getting in the seat beside Axel.
"What girl would want you, anyways? You look like you landed in a fireplace!" Axel continued.
Saïx rolled his eyes. "That's generally what happens when one goes down a chimney, Axel."
AND SO IN ENDING THIS HORRIBLE HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE I SAY TO ALL THE LITTLE SHIT HEADS READING THIS
MERRY FUCKING GOGDAMNED HORRIBLE ASS CHRISTMAS YOU FUCKHEADS
STOP WRITING THESE STORIES PLEASE
SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO I PRESENT TO YOU OUR FIRST STORY
That New York Swagger, by IrkenRuler13
It was a calm afternoon in The Castle That Never Was. Now, I know what you're thinking, 'calm? How the hell could it possibly be calm in a castle full of crazy nobodies like Axel?' Well the answer is simple, Axel wasn't there. As a matter of fact, neither was Demyx, Roxas, or Xion.WOULD THIS BE MORE STUPID IF I KNEW WHO THESE PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY NO IT PROBABLY WOULDN'T 'Where were they?' you ask, well, they were sent on a mission to explore a new world that appeared. This world was incredibly large which is why four were sent on the mission instead of two. When Xemnas sent the group of four on their way, Vexen complained a great deal. He was curious as to why Xemnas would send such nimrods on such an important mission, but smirked when the superior said his true motive was just to get rid of them for a few weeks. All though their mission was important, it was quite simple. Blend in and study the world and its inhabitants. If Xemnas knew where he was sending the nobodies, maybe he would know how bad of an idea this really was.IF YOU KNEW HOW BADLY YOU WERE ABOUT TO BE MADE FUN OF MAYBE YOU WOULD KNOW HOW BAD OF AN IDEA THIS REALLY WAS
Like I was saying earlier, it was a calm afternoon in The World That Never Was. Vexen was in his lab, Marluxia was in his garden, Xigbar and Luxord were playing poker, Zexion was in the library, Lexaeus and Xaldin were in the Kitchen, Xemnas and Saix were discussing Kingdom Hearts, and Larxene was raiding the missing members' rooms for anything she might want. However, when she saw Roxas's boxers under Axel's bed, she left to go bother Marluxia instead.I HOPE THIS STORY DOESN'T DEALVE INTO A LONG TANGENT OF CREEPY HUMAN THINGS
Suddenly, all silence was gone when the group returned from their mission. The other members emerged from their previous locations to greet the arriving nobodies and ask about the newly appeared world. Once again, they didn't know how bad of an idea this was. As they walked in, the other nobodies couldn't help but gawk at them. They were clad in jeans and hoodies, except for Xion who was wearing baggy khakis that hung very low on her waist, a strapless top and a studded jacket complete with a matching hat.OF COURSE IT STARTS TOO The organization had never seen clothes quite like these. Zexion took a step closer, noticing a strange device cradled in Demyx's hand.
"Demyx," He asked, "What is that?" Demyx took a small white bud out of his ear and looked at the slate haired boy questioningly.
"Did you say something?" He asked. Zexion was confused. He spoke loud enough, there was no way Demyx' couldn't have heard him, even with ear plugs. It was then that Zexion noticed the white wire connecting the buds to the strange, blue device he had been questioning.
"Um, yeah; what is that?"
"Oh, this thing?" Demyx held up the device. "This is an iPod." The other members mumbled things like 'what's it do?' and 'what does that mean?' "Check it out. You turn it on and put the headphones on and then it plays music."
"That tiny thing can play music?" Vexen asked, suddenly intrigued.
"Yeah, and it can download music too."WHAT A STUNNING PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY EVERYONE SHOULD OWN ONE
"Xion… what are you wearing?" Larxene asked, inching closer to the small girl.
"Wutsit to ya?" She asked, chewing he bubble gum as she talked.
"What did you say?" Marluxia questioned, confused.
"I seyd, 'wutsit to ya', ya know beddah yit, why don'tcha stop questin' what you ain't undastandin'."AND THERE GOES THE GRAMMAR
"Is she confusing or what?" Marluxia mumbled to Xigbar.
"As if, finally, someone is speakin' my language!"
"Holla! Yo, Xigbar, you want to play some DDR." Xion shouted
"Totally, chika, let's go!" And with that, Xion and Xigbar ran towards the Grey Area.WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE
"Ignore her, she spent too much time in the Bronx." Roxas laughed nervously.
"Okay…. Well, let's get to business shall we. How was your stay in the new world?" Xemnas asked with a serious tone.
"It was sooooo cool!" Demyx said, excitement filling his voice. "It was called 'New York'. There were large buildings everywhere, some even bigger than our castle." The rest of the members were 'ooh-ing' and 'aah-ing' as the other members told them of this strange new world.
"There were inns there too, but they were humungous! Bigger than any inn I had ever seen!" Roxas added. "There was art too. Everywhere I turned, someone had spray-painted their name in big, confusing letters. Sometimes, there were pictures too."I LIKE THE PICTURES THE BEST BECAUSE I CAN'T READ SO WELL
"And they had the absolute weirdest food." Axel continued. "They fruits I had never even heard of, and they had weird food combinations. They combined bread, cheese, and tomato sauce to make this weird thing they called 'pizza'. It looked really weird, but it tasted amazing, the weirdest was the hot dogs."
"Yeah, they're called 'hot dogs' but they aren't even made of dog, they're made of some kind of pig." Roxas added, confusion lacing his voice.
"You would've really liked it Zexion, they have libraries so big it was impossible. Books filled every wall and empty space. Yeah, you would've loved it. Larxene probably could've fit in real well too. There were girls with the same kind of personalities as you. They were on almost every street corner asking random people if they wanted to have 'a good time'. One approached me, she was really persistent too, I guess she must've been lonely because no one wanted to play with her. Maybe I should go back and-" GODDAMNIT WHO THE FUCK WOULD EVEN WRITE THIS
"That's quite all right Demyx." Zexion interrupted, knowing exactly what Demyx was talking about. Larxene was awestruck.
"Did he just indirectly call me a prostitute?"
"Well, he isn't wrong." Marluxia mumbled and Larxene slapped him upside the head. "Ow, watch it, you'll mess up my hair!"
"Axel, what's that?" Vexen asked, intrigued by the device Axel now had in his hands.
"It's called a PlayStation Portable. Get this, a video game you can carry around with you. Isn't it genius?" Axel was really excited. SO INNOVATIVE HOLY GOG WOW
"Man, I'm hungry, let's get something to eat." Roxas suggested.
"Yeah, I'm hungry too." Demyx agreed. "We're gonna go eat something. See ya later, goons." Demyx ran off into the kitchen and the rest of the organization stood there, confused, Zexion looking where they just were.
"What the hell is a goon?"
~*~Xion: I be breakin' da page now, mcskillets. ~*~ THIS STORY IS AN EMBARRESMENT TO EVERYONE INVOLVED
Axel, Roxas, and Demyx were in The Kitchen That Never SatisfiesTHIS IS SO CLEVER getting something to eat. "Man," said Roxas, "there's no good food here. Hey Axel, you got any more of those hamburger things?"
"No, but I have this." Axel pulled out a Ziploc back with some kind of white powdery stuff in it.
"What's that?" Roxas asked, cocking his head to the side in confusion.
"It's this stuff I bought from this guy in the Village. He said it snorting it could make all my problems disappear. What did he call it? Crud… crap… oh yeah, crack!"OH BOY LET'S MAKE THIS STORY EVEN WORSE BY INVOLVING HUMAN DRUGS
"So, if we sniff this, we won't be hungry anymore?" Demyx asked.
"I guess, I don't know I haven't tried it yet."
"I think I'll pass." Roxas turned away from Axel and started searching through The Fridge That Shouldn't Exist.I THINK I'M SEEING A PATTERN HERE
"I agree with Roxas, I like eating, I don't want to get rid of my hunger." Demyx smiled lightly and began looking through The Cabinets of Foodlessness.YUP I AM STARTING TO SEE SOMETHING FORM HERE
"Suit yourselves. I mean, if I don't have to eat, I can sleep in later." Axel grabbed a straw from The Drawer With Nothing In It. (yes, they have ominous titles for everything.)OH OK THANK YOU FOR FILLING ME IN I WAS DEFINITELY CLUELESS He stuck the straw in a bag and sniffed the substance in the bag. "Oh… oh wow, you guys have to try this. It feels great."
"No thanks Ax, I think I'll just sit here, eat my turkey sandwich, and watch you overreact." Roxas said, rolling his eyes.
"No, I'm serious. This is amazing. I-I'm feeling euphoria, ecstasy, extreme pleasure.HUMANS ARE DISGUSTING CREATURES It's like all my problems are just ceasing to exist. How do I make you understand… Oh, it's like how Larxene feels when she's causing someone pain, like how Marluxia feels when he's in his garden, like how Demyx feels when he playing his sitar, or like how I feel when I see fire, only multiplied by 10!"
"Is it really that fantastic?" Demyx asked, now interested in the strange substance.
"Yes, definitely; I feel weightless, like gravity can't hold me down."
"Well I think you just totally flipped your lid." Roxas said as he left the kitchen and went to his room.
~*~Reno: This be a page break, yo~*~THEY ARE ALSO STUPID
It had been about three weeks since Axel started doing crack, and Roxas was well passed beginning to worry, he was terrified. Roxas had never seen the redhead like this. He was constantly having mood swings and throwing up. He tended to doze off during meetings and enter his own little world. He was a lot more clumsy and he was sickly thin, causing his hips to stand out more, causing Roxas to lust after him moreWHAT, causing Roxas to suffer because Axel was too busy doing crack to spend time with him. What scared Roxas the most though, was that on more than one occasion, Axel had tried to commit suicide by jumping of the roof of The Castle That Never Was. Axel tended to get incredibly depressed at times.EXCELLENT MAYBE SOMEONE WILL DIE When Axel didn't have money for crack, he either cried or stole it from someone else. Superior was getting sick of it, this Roxas knew. He knew that Xemnas wouldn't hesitate to turn Axel into a dusk if he continued to be a problem. Roxas knew he had to help the redhead… his redhead, somehow.
Axel slammed his door shut. Man, was he pissed. Marluxia had some nerve thinking he could yell at him and get away with it. The stupid 'superior' took the florist's side. Oh, how dare he. He opened his top drawer, hoping to snort all his troubles away. Axel let out a piercing scream of anger. His stash was gone. The redhead turned around, ready to leave the room and wreak havoc upon the castle's other members. However, as soon as he turned around, he was faced with the short blonde he used to call his lover. "Roxas, thank Kingdom Hearts you're here. Listen babe, someone stole my stash, think you can help me find out whom?" Axel smiled but his eyes were full of confusion and anger, his hands gripped Roxas's arms a little tighter than intended.
"I'm not giving you your crack back, Axel." Roxas said all seriousness in his voice.OH I THOUGHT HE WAS GIGGLING WHILE TRYING TO SAY IT THANK YOU FOR CLARIFYING FOR ME
"Wait… you took it? Babe, why would you do that?"
"I don't want you using it anymore Axel, it's hurting you, can't you see?"
"Roxy, babe, it's making me happy. Honestly, I've never been happier." Once again, Axel's eyes said something different.
"No, you're not happy Axel, I can tell. You made Larxene cry, Axel, Larxene! You've changed."
"Roxas, give it back. You love me right?" Axel's eyes were getting darker.
"Of course I do, but that's why I'm not letting you continue with this. I'll always love you no matter what, but for these past few weeks you haven't loved me. All you love is that stupid cra-"
"Shut the fuck up!" Axel shouted, kicking Roxas hard in the stomach and throwing him onto the floor.FINALLY SOMETHING INTERESTING IS HAPPENING Axel glared down at him with dark, angry, hating eyes, and Roxas gazed into his with sad blue ones. Roxas coughed up blood. He was hurt, physically and emotionally… and it was Axel's fault. T-this… this is my fault. Axel thought to himself. I-I h-hurt… I hurt Roxas. I abused him. Axel sunk down to his knees and began to cry.NO NEVERMIND NOW IT'S TIME FOR UGLY EMOTIONS TO BE INVOLVED IN THIS
"Axel… Axel don't cry."
"Stop, Roxas. Stop worrying about me… stop loving me, I don't deserve it!"
"Shut up, don't say that! Don't ever say that! You are the only person worth it Axel."
"B-But I hurt… I hurt you, Roxas. I abused you. I've done nothing but cause you pain for these past few weeks, but this is just the icing on the cake isn't it. How could you love someone who would do that to you?"
"Because that wasn't you, Axel, it was the drugs. I love you, this you, the you that's in front of me right now, the you that cares so much about me."
"I'm gonna quit, Roxas. I promise I'm gonna quit." Axel choked on a few sobs as Roxas wrapped his arms around him to comfort his crying lover.
~*~Reno: This be a page break, yo~*~
For the rest of the month, Roxas did nothing but stand by Axel's side. That's all the motivation the redhead needed to quit. The blonde couldn't believe this all started because of a simple mission to a new world. Currently, the organization members were in The Room Where Nothing GathersYEAH I THINK THERE IS DEFINITELY A PATTERN HERE waiting for Xemnas to give them the big news. The superior appeared at the same time as Saix… no surprise there. "Welcome, members of our fine organization. A new world has appeared, this time, Saix has done some research. This world is called Las Vegas. The members responsible for this mission are Luxord, Xigbar, Demyx, and Axel."
"God DAMMIT!"
SO IN SUMMATION I WISH I COULD CLAW MY EYES OUT BECAUSE THIS WAS BATSHIT STUPID AND IF IT CAN GET WORSE THAN THIS THAN I DON'T WANT TO READ ANYMORE
AND YET I HAVE TO SO FOR FURTHER HUMILIATION HERE IS POTATO CHIPS
Potato Chips, by XxPyro SomniacxX
Everyone in the organization made their way to their seats in the small meeting room, Xemnas taking the highest throne and the rest in their usual order.THIS WAS SUCH AN EXCITING BEGINNING I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE
Everyone was talking and minding their own business until their superior raised his hand signaling for them to quiet down.
"Now that we're all settled I'd like to talk about our main priority, Sor-" he stopped when he heard a loud CRUNCH sound. His eye twitched when it happened again but composed himself and continued.
"Our main priority Sora. The young and promising key bearer-" once again the sound returned but even louder and quicker; his hands clenched into fists as he scanned the room for the annoying noise until his eyes set on a mullet headed man.
He chewed on his potato chips happily, not really paying attention to his fellow nobodies' stares. Xemnas cleared his throat trying to stay calm "number 9, what did I tell you about eating in the meeting room?" he asked still glaring with those scary amber eyes of his.YES AMBER SURE IS A SCARY COLOR
Demyx stopped chewing when he heard his number being called out and looked up at his superiors "uhm, not to. . ?" he said sheepishly, a small blush appeared on his cheeks while he clutched the small potato chip bag.
Xemnas nodded still looking "and do you know why there is no eating in the meeting room?" he asked in a calm but I-will-kill-you-and-no-one-would-care tone.
Demyx shrunk in his seat making crumbs roll off his cloak "b-because it attracts roaches. . ?" he tried, he really did, but he just couldn't remember why there was no eating in the small room.
Xemnas's stare thickened as he shook his head "no, it is because I detest that crunching noise while I'm talking! It is annoying and distracting!" (GASP Xemnas has OCD?)GASP AUTHOR COMMENTS IN A STORY he said banging his fist on his arm rest making Demyx flinch slightly "o-oh. . ." he said quietly as he looked down at the chip between his fingers.
Xemnas sighed heavily and rubbed his temples before resting his arm on the arm rest again "as I was saying, Sora is beginning to become stronger and therefore more useful to our missio-" his eye twitched once again when he heard a long and louder crunch from before.
He shot a glare toward the potato chip eating man "NUMBER 9!" he shouted making Demyx practically jump out of his seat, he clutched the back tighter from the sudden shout.
"So help me if you eat one more chip I will personally make Saix turn you into a Dusk! Is. That. Clear?" he said still glaring at the smaller man to the side of him.
Demyx's eyes widened "I'm sorry! They're so darn good and-" he stopped when the bag went up in flames until it turned into a pile of burning ash on his lap "and now they're barbecued, got it memorized?" Axel said tapping his head with a wide grin on his face.
Demyx quickly brushed it off his lap before it could burn the material and sighed in sadness as he looked up to his boss "they're gone. . ." he said sadly with big watery eyes.I AM SO SAD NOW OH THOSE POOR DISGUSTING SALTY THINGS
Xemnas sighed heavily again ignoring the depressing face he had just made and continued yet again "as I was SAYING, if Sora continues to kill heartless we will have our Kingdom Hear-" both his eyes twitched when he heard a portal open and close and a horrifying CRUNCH.
Roxas, clearly late, bit into another chip but stopped when everyone stared at him with panicked expressions ". . . what?" he asked finishing the chip in his hand; Saix rested his head on his hand and shook his head gently "oh dear lord. . ."
I STAND CORRECTED AS THIS WAS IN FACT WORSE THAN THE LAST STORY AND I HOPE TO GOD THAT THIS ONE DOES NOT SUCK AS BAD BUT KNOWING MY LUCK IT WILL
AND SO FINALLY I PRESENT THIS STEAMING PILE OF SHIT
Buffalo Wings and Barking Catfish, by Asuka Neko
There was a high likelihood that someone was going to be attacked with lightsabers, shot, stabbed, poisoned, smashed, hit by a dictionary, bitten, burned, drowned, beaten in poker, strangled by flowers, electrocuted, or knocked out with a giant key.DOES THIS MEAN SOMEONE IS GOING TO DIE Or all of the above. Said person would receive said consequences because someone decided that Santa should replace his elves with the members of Organization XIII. Someone (possibly the same someone) had also decided that the reindeer should be replaced with buffalos. Really, who ever heard of flying reindeer? Buffalos can fly. Why else would there be buffalo wings?
But that was another issue.THEN WHY IS IT IN THE STORY
Demyx liked this idea at first, mostly because working for Santa meant he could get presents. He just had to convince this guy that just because he worked for a possibly evil (but mostly just vague and confusing) organization, he was not necessarily evil himself. Nor was he vague and confusing, he was simply cute. And liked goldfish.I DON'T SEE HOW THIS IS RELEVANT However, once Demyx figured out that he had to actually work, he did not appreciate the idea any longer.
No one was exactly sure why Xemnas went along with this whole thing. There were rumors going around the organization that he would be replacing Mrs. Claus and the elves would be switched for fire-breathing unicorn kittens if he didn'tWHAT THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. But it was more likely that he just lost a bet. Saïx said that it was because Xemnas wanted to get the organization off of the naughty list, because technically, although they were vague and confusing, they were still villains.
No one believed him. They were not scary enough to be villains (well, Lexaeus was, but he didn't have much part in the argument because he never spoke, anyways). They thought about hanging Roxas on the ceiling as a surveillance device to find out the real reason. Unfortunately, Xigbar used all of the duct tape in a failed attempt to shut Demyx up (failed because even though Xigbar and Xaldin cocooned him in duct tape and hung him from the ceiling, he just looked so pitiful that Lexaeus let him down)IS THERE AN ACTUAL PLOT TO THIS OR WHAT and Vexen lost his genetically engineered spider that would give one the power to stick to walls just like Spiderman.SO NO THERE ISN'T
He wasn't sure exactly where that spider went.
So the organization was sitting in Santa's workshop, surrounded by snow and sparkles and tinsel and lights and cheery Christmas music, wearing their black cloaks, holding weapons, and altogether clashing with the scenery. The elf training them approached, making little clucking noises under her breath. She was dressed entirely in red and had a mound of curly blonde hair pouring out from underneath a hat with a giant jingle bell on the end. A star-shaped name tag reading "Twinkle" was on the front of her shirt.OH SO THE PLOT IS THAT THEY ARE WORKING FOR THE QUEERIST SHOP EVER
"Tsk, tsk… this won't do…" she said, surveying their clothing choices.
A moment later, the entire organization was dressed in red and green with plenty of jingle bells, sparkles, and ribbons. None of them, not even Demyx, seemed pleased with this. Demyx wasn't happy because Twinkle made fun of his Finding Nemo boxers. Seriously, the girl's name was Twinkle, for goodness sake! She had no right to make fun of anyone else.AND THIS STORY HAS NO RIGHT TO EXIST Especially not someone else's clothes, because she had a jingle bell on the end of her hat that was almost as big as her head.
Xigbar looked like he was going to shoot someone.I HOPE THIS IS FOREBODING
Roxas was hiding behind Axel, because he was the one who usually got shot at whenever Xigbar was angry and Demyx wasn't around. Demyx, in fact, was still hiding in shame because of his boxers. Larxene was also nowhere to be found, demanding that she had to change in a different room or she would disembowel them all.I REALLY HOPE THESE AREN'T THREATS THAT AREN'T GOING TO BE ACTED UPON
Axel, at first, was excited this because he was going to get to go around to a bunch of different houses and hopefully a percentage of them would belong to cute girls. But now he did not want to be seen by cute girls because he was wearing tights. TIGHTS! He would have burned them if not for the fact that he had bright red leg hair was more embarrassing than wearing tights.AND SO I AM DISTURBED ONCE AGAIN At least he wasn't Saïx, who had blue hair. Axel laughed to himself. That guy would never get a date.
"All right!" Twinkle said, getting everyone's attention at once. "You all need to get on the sleigh! Santa has a cold this year, and so it's up to you to get presents to everyone in the world. Hop to it!" She hopped to simulate the behavior.
"I'm not hopping," Zexion growled, getting in the sleigh like a normal person would. No one really knew anything about driving a sleigh pulled by a team of flying buffalo. Lexaeus was nominated to drive because he was nearly as large as a buffalo. Xemnas nominated himself to sit in the front seat, and ordered Saïx, Xigbar, Xaldin, and Vexen to sit with him. This meant that Zexion, Roxas, Demyx, Marluxia, Larxene, and Axel were crammed together in the smaller back seat. Demyx didn't seem to mind this, because he had no personal space bubble.THESE WAS POSSIBLY THE LEAST STUPID PARAGRAPH SO FAR
Marluxia, however, was complaining that his hair was going to be messed up. "Who cares, Marly? It's Christmas!" Demyx squealed.
"You wouldn't understand," Marluxia wailed. "You don't have good hair at all, just that stupid haircut that might be a mullet or a mohawk or both!"
Demyx gasped. "How could you say that!" he shouted with mock horror.THIS MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM IN ANGUISH
"Shut up, kiddo," Xigbar growled, shoving his palm over Demyx's face and pushing him further back. Lexaeus cracked the whip and the sudden surge forward broke off all arguments.
As they flew over the town, Demyx and Roxas leaned over the side of the sleigh, looking at the sparkling lights below them in awe. Axel was cold despite that amount of people sitting around him and he was complaining about the cold and how tights were not warm at all. Larxene responded by shocking him. "Warmer?" she asked, her voice filled with mock sweetness. Marluxia sniggered and was therefore electrocuted also.THIS IS NOT KILLING AND IT WILL PROBABLY BE THE CLOSET THING WE GET UNFORTUNATELY
Lexaeus landed on the rooftop of a house and the Organization piled out of the sleigh. A somewhat frazzled-looking Roxas squeezed himself out from between Demyx and Marluxia, who had argued about hair products for the entire trip. Axel examined the chimney, looking a little doubtful. "So, who wants to go down that thing?"
Marluxia glanced at Larxene. "Ladies first."
"All right, go ahead then," she shot back, and Marluxia whipped out his scythe.OH BOY FINALLY SOMETHING INTERESTING
"You little…" he began, and Xemnas grabbed the end of the scythe.GOG DAMNIT
"No. Demyx is going down there," he said. Demyx jolted with surprise.
"M-me?"
"You're the nicest one of us, kiddo," Xigbar said, clapping the boy on the shoulder. Demyx stumbled forward, and then regained his balance. He shrugged lanky shoulders and approached the chimney, swinging his tight-clad legs over the side of it. Saïx skimmed over a long list and found the house, then tossed Demyx a small box wrapped in white paper with a red bow. The blonde caught it and then slipped down the sooty chimney. Demyx landed in a pile of ash at the bottom and also banged the back of his head on the wall inside of the fireplace. His rear end also landed nicely on the grate, bruising his tailbone.THERE NEEDS TO BE MORE PAIN IN THIS STORY
"Ouch," he muttered, and then coughed, sending a cloud of soot into the air. He stood and hit his head on the ledge overhanging the fireplace in the process. "I think I've got a concussion,"EXCELLENT he said after he finally stood, covered in soot and aching from head to toe. He was beginning to seriously hope he didn't have to do this more than once.
When Demyx finally managed to get his bearings, he found himself standing in the center of a room filled with cheery Christmas decorations. He glanced down at the present in his hand and was glad to find that it had miraculously remained clean. Then he looked back up and jumped in surprised. There was a fish tank across from him and the fish was growling. It was about three feet long, was a catfish, and it was growling at him.THIS THING TOOK AN ACROBATIC PIROUETTE TO INSANITY
Demyx was, needless to say, scared. He was easily scared, but now he was also a little confused. Demyx usually liked fish. In fact, some of his best friends were fish! "Uh… uh… shh!" he said, hoping that the growling wouldn't wake anyone. Well, if his falling down the chimney didn't wake anyone, the fish certainly wouldn't. "Nice fishy…"
There was a clicking sound much like the loading of a shotgun and Demyx turned around to realize that the noise was a loading shotgun. A gun which happened to belong to a teenage girl with curly, coral-colored hair and sea-green eyes. "Who are you and what are you doing here?" she asked.PLEASE SHOOT HIM NOW
Demyx made a noise which sounded like a cat being run over by a fat guy eating a taco.WHAT "I'm…uh… I'm Demyx!" he squealed, wondering why in all Kingdom Hearts he sounded like Marluxia singing in falsetto. "I mean… I'm an elf!"
"I thought elves were supposed to be short," the girl said, lowering the shotgun a littleFUCKING STORY. Demyx appreciated this action.
"Well, I'm actually substituting for an elf because… well, because my Superior told me to," he said. The girl looked him over and realized that he was covered in soot.
"I knew we should have gotten our chimney cleaned," she muttered. "Wait right here!" She went back into the kitchen and came out holding a wet rag instead of a gun. "Sorry about that," she said as she wiped off his face. The fish was growling more loudly now.I AM GOING TO STAB SOMETHING SO HARD AFTER THIS
Demyx felt his face light up like a Christmas tree, and he ran his fingers though his spiky blonde hair. "This is for you," he said, placing the little box in her hands, "from Santa."
She opened the lid of the box, revealing a gold, seashell-shaped necklace and she smiled. "I've wanted something like this for a long time," she said, and then fastened the clasp around the back of her neck. "How does it look?" she asked.
Demyx smiled, deciding that this wasn't so bad after all. "It looks really pretty," he said.AND NOW EMOTIONS THIS IS A TRIPLE TRIFECTA OF SHIT
"I'm Corel, by the way," she introduced herself.
"I'm Demyx."
"So you said," she chuckled. "Will you be here next year, Demyx?"
He laughed nervously. "I can if you want me to."EUGH
"Use the door next time," Corel said, and then stood on her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek. Then she turned and ran up the stairs, vanishing from sight. Demyx stood there for a moment, stunned. The fish barked at him a few times.END THE DAMN STORY NOW PLEASE GOG
"I'm going, I'm going!" he said, climbing back into the chimney and ignoring the fact that the fish was now barking at him. Zexion was peering over the edge of the chimney.
"Oh, there you are. We were about to send Roxas down after you," he said. A rope fell down the chimney and Demyx clambered up. He reached the top and found that Marluxia was in a state of distress because one of the buffalos had tried to eat his hair.
"Are you alright, kiddo?" Xigbar asked.HE HAS A CONCUSSION AND I'D BE VERY GRATEFUL IF YOU PUT HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY AND GIVE THIS STORY A HAPPY ENDING
"I may have been concussed, but I'm fine," Demyx said.
"As if!" Xigbar cackled. "You look like you were attacked by a fish!"
"I was," Demyx replied. "And then a cute girl attacked me too…"
"WHAT!" Axel shouted. "I said I get all the houses with cute girls! Got it memorized!"
"Sure, sure," Demyx groaned, getting in the seat beside Axel.
"What girl would want you, anyways? You look like you landed in a fireplace!" Axel continued.
Saïx rolled his eyes. "That's generally what happens when one goes down a chimney, Axel."
AND SO IN ENDING THIS HORRIBLE HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE I SAY TO ALL THE LITTLE SHIT HEADS READING THIS
MERRY FUCKING GOGDAMNED HORRIBLE ASS CHRISTMAS YOU FUCKHEADS
STOP WRITING THESE STORIES PLEASE